Six Signs of Codependency and How to Address Them

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The Six Signs of Codependency and How to Address Them

Understanding codependency can be a transformative journey toward building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. At its core, codependency is about prioritising someone else’s needs, emotions, or approval over your well-being. While this often stems from a genuine desire to care for others, it can erode your sense of identity, personal boundaries, and self-esteem. My experience of working with many types of codependency issues is that people often arrive at their first session feeling unhappy with their relationships - with others and themselves - unaware that help is at hand.  I’ve created dozens of processes for those  who were resigned to being part of the ‘That’s just how I am’ club. We all deserve to create a life filled with healthy love and not to be shackled by the patterns we have learned to adopt.

A Real-Life Story 

Not long ago, I worked with an incredible woman who came to me feeling completely drained. She was juggling work, family and friends, bending over backwards to meet everyone’s needs. Despite her efforts, she felt unappreciated and increasingly resentful, even snapping at her children and partner over small things, leaving her guilt-ridden and confused.

If her partner was stressed, she would fix things herself. If her children were upset, she’d try to shield them from disappointment. And as for her own needs? She couldn’t even remember what they were. This emotional exhaustion made her realise something had to change - not just for her but for her family.   

We worked together to identify the codependency patterns that kept her stuck and she realised she felt responsible for everyone’s happiness. We started small: She set boundaries, let go of some of her tendencies to control, and allowed others to take responsibility for their feelings. The change wasn’t easy, but she noticed something incredible over time - her relationships became more genuine. Her partner appreciated her more, her children became more independent, and she felt lighter, freer, and happier. Her story is a powerful reminder that breaking free from codependency transforms one’s life and creates space for deeper, healthier connections with the people one loves.

Six Signs to Look Out For

1. The Desire to Be Needed

Do you find your self-worth tied to how much you can aid or save others?

Try this

Start by separating your identity from your role as a helper. Reflect on your strengths and qualities outside of what you do for others. Practice stepping back in small ways. For instance, if someone asks for help, consider whether it’s something they can manage on their own. It’s okay to remind yourself that their success or failure “is not my responsibility”.

2. Struggles with Boundaries

Do you find it hard to say “no,” even when you need to?

Try this

Start small. Practice saying ‘no’ to less significant requests like staying late at work or skipping a social event you don’t want to attend. Reassure yourself that saying “no” doesn’t make you selfish, it is a necessary act of self-preservation. Visualise your time and energy as a limited resource; every time you overextend, you borrow from yourself.

3. Neglecting Your Own Needs

Are you prioritising others’ happiness over your own?

Try this

Make reconnecting with yourself a priority. Schedule ‘me-time’ into your day, even if it is just 10 minutes to journal, meditate, or take a quiet walk. Ask yourself regularly, ‘What do I need right now?’ Write a list of small things that make you happy, and aim to do one daily. The better you care for yourself, the more genuinely you can connect with others.

4. Fear of Conflict or Abandonment

Do you avoid conflict to keep the peace?

Try this

Practice expressing your thoughts in low-stakes situations. For example, share your honest opinion about a movie. Gradually move toward more challenging topics. Use ‘I’ statements to focus on your feelings rather than accusing others such as “I feel overwhelmed when plans change at the last minute”. Remember, healthy conflict is a sign of a strong relationship, not a failing one.

5. Feeling Responsible for Others’ Emotions

Do you believe it’s your role to make others happy or shield them from pain?

Try this

Let go of the belief that you are responsible for fixing everything. When someone shares a struggle, resist the urge to jump in with solutions. Instead, listen, validate their feelings, and say, “I believe you’ll figure this out.” Remember, giving someone space to grow is a gift - it helps them build resilience while freeing them from unnecessary pressure.

6. Over-managing in Relationships

Are you trying to control someone else’s emotions or decisions?

Try this

Reflect on what drives this need to control. Is it fear of failure or unpredictability? Work on releasing that fear by focusing on what you can control - your own actions and responses. Give others the grace to make mistakes and learn from them. When you feel the urge to step in, ask yourself, ‘Is this my responsibility, or can I let this be?’

Breaking Free from Codependency

Recognising these six signs is a decisive first step toward healing and creating healthier dynamics. The process takes time, patience, and practice, but every small step forward will bring you closer to the fulfilling relationships you desire.

This reminds me of a courageous client who, when we started working together, described herself as “the fixer”, constantly putting out fires and giving everything to everyone. Underneath her bright smile and bubbly exterior she was exhausted. She was losing herself in trying to “earn” love.  When I asked what she needed and wanted from her relationships (and life) she had never given it much thought.  Her lightbulb moment came when we explored the question: “How would the people around you react if you started taking care of your well-being first?” That hit her like a ton of bricks. 

Together we untangled years of people-pleasing habits to build her sense of self-worth. She learned how to set boundaries without guilt, ask for what she needed, and trust that the right people would love her, not because of what she did for them, but because of the amazing person she is. 

My Point of View

We rarely consider the universal truth that other people’s reactions are not our responsibility. When we start prioritising our needs, we also show the world, and  ourselves, that we matter. The right people will adapt, and the wrong people will reveal themselves.

Perhaps the  best part of being a coach  is witnessing the change in my clients. This woman was  a great example, she left her sessions truly owning her self belief and, I quote: “I don’t fix people anymore, I let them be themselves. And let me be me.”

That’s the mind blowing power of healing codependency: you stop chasing love and start receiving it.

Once upon a time, I was that girl. For years I had no idea what was important to me. I was wrapping myself up in a knot, trying to be liked and loved.  Whether at work, with partners or with friends, I would avoid conflict at any cost, often shutting down when storms looked inevitable. Liberation has allowed me to open up in so many ways.  I used to feel shame even if I hadn’t done anything wrong! A night out would result in hours of not sleeping, instead, I would be sure I must have said something to upset somebody. It was hell. With decades of experience and my search for ways to help people with every possible shade of codependency, I can say with certainty that this life-dulling habit can be changed.

Start by being kind to yourself. Self-awareness is the foundation of change. Learn to listen to your needs, respect your boundaries, and believe you’re worthy of connections rooted in mutual support and understanding.  

By highlighting your blind spots, often found hidden behind fear, we can impact your life in ways that will leave you wondering why you’ve taken so long to make the shift. We’ve got this!