How Healthy is Your Self Esteem?
Reading Time: Approx 6 minutes
Do you think people find you boring? Feel deflated when criticised or assume that if you disappeared off of the face of the planet no one would even notice?
If you worry about what others think of you instead of prioritising your own opinion of yourself, if your overall perception is that you just don’t deserve to be loved or respected, you may be suffering from low self esteem.
People with low self esteem find it important to be liked by everyone. Healthy self esteem on the other hand, means not needing validation from others, whether on social media or in real world relationships.
People often generate drama and intensity as a way to fill the void where self-love should reside. When we feel empty, this emptiness is often mistaken for restlessness, a relentless inner drive that refuses to pause. In an attempt to escape this inner unease, we may create high-octane situations, drama, illness, or other forms of intensity.
The truth is, most of us have work to do when it comes to self-esteem. The lower it starts, the greater the effort required. But don’t be discouraged, the best people I know began with their self-esteem practically on the floor. The only way is up, and with the right tools, guidance and support, remarkable transformations are absolutely possible.
All change starts with awareness. Being honest with yourself, understanding the level of your self esteem and how it impacts your life.
The Difference Between Confidence and Self-Esteem
It is important to understand the distinction between confidence and self-esteem: Confidence is belief in your abilities, while self-esteem is belief in your intrinsic worth and value.
Self-esteem shapes how you feel about yourself in every situation, influencing the quality of the friends and partners you choose and your overall self-perception. Low self-esteem can turn even the simplest encounters into challenges and make routine work meetings a source of stress. How can you trust yourself to perform consistently when your inner critic is constantly on high alert and unrelentingly harsh?
In short, without healthy self-esteem life is a struggle, constantly looking over your shoulder, unfavourably comparing yourself with others. Tending to dismiss achievements and focusing instead on what you didn’t do perfectly , or what others may think.
Did you know we tend to date at the level of our true self-esteem? Our dating history often reflects how much we genuinely value ourselves. Choosing partners who are less than we deserve, in other words, dating below ‘eye level’, is a common indicator of low self-esteem. Opting for those who need us can unconsciously feel safer than pursuing true love. After all, people who need us are less likely to leave when they discover the scars and flaws we believe lie at our core. This unconscious logic is an insurance policy intended to protect us from abandonment when they see through our mask and discover our true unlovability.
The internal world of someone with low self esteem is often hostile and harsh. How do I know? I was that woman for decades. When I learned there was another way to be, I grabbed the lessons with both hands, held on tight and never looked back.
A Few Tips to Improve Your Self-Esteem
Get rid of mantras, affirmations and the practice of looking in the mirror and saying positive things to yourself! Both are ineffective for people with low self esteem. After all, imagine putting ice cream on top of doo-doo. It’s just one horrible mess… and the doo-doo sure doesn’t magically dissolve. If you tell yourself something you really don’t believe, your inner critic will throw up evidence to the contrary.
Our brains are wired to respond to evidence. People with low self-esteem often seek out proof to validate how they felt, or were made to feel, as children. Facing this truth can be challenging, especially when past experiences have been suppressed or blocked out. But trust me when I say this: unprocessed trauma, fears, and limiting beliefs are running the show behind the scenes.
Our unconscious mind drives 95% of our thoughts, actions, and outcomes, while the conscious mind simply executes its instructions. Essentially, we navigate life unaware of the outdated software running quietly in the background—often untouched or upgraded since 1989!
By slowing down and paying attention to our thoughts we soon notice unhelpful themes. Humans have 60,000 to 100,000 thoughts a day, and 95% of them are repetitive. We are actually brain washing ourselves, so we’d better be sure it’s in the direction of who we want to be and the life we want to create.
Many coaches and therapists emphasise self-love as the first step on the journey of personal growth. However, in my opinion, this approach can be counterproductive. It’s often too much too soon. For those with low self-esteem the concept of self-love can be hard to fathom, overwhelming and unattainable which often leads many to give up before they even begin.
Building Towards Self-Love
Self-love is a journey with many layers and it begins with a strong foundation. Instead of aiming directly for the ideal of self-love, focus first on self-care and discipline. These essential practices create a sturdy base for personal growth.
Consistent self-care can make an immediate difference in how you feel about yourself. It's not about indulgence, like manicures or new cars, but about understanding and providing what your body and mind truly need to thrive. Self-care is deeply personal: what works for one person may not work for another. Pay close attention to your needs, and your body and mind will guide you toward the right choices.
Discipline complements self-care. Keeping your promises to yourself, doing what you say you’ll do is a superpower. It builds trust and respect within, laying the groundwork for a deeper connection to yourself.
By prioritising self-care and honouring your commitments, you’ll gradually move toward the nirvana of self-love, one deliberate step at a time. Commit to following these principles for a month, and notice how quickly you feel stronger and better about yourself.
As a coach, my role is to hold my clients accountable while keeping the process fun and engaging. I believe in shaking things up, there’s no chance of getting bored! Just remember the golden rule: do what you say you will, whether you feel like it or not. Consistency is key to transformation.
I could write endlessly about this fascinating and life-changing subject, but for now, it’s time to move from reading to action. If this resonates with you, let’s connect. Together, we can explore your unique path to quickly building self-esteem from the inside out, feeling great about yourself, and making meaningful strides toward your goals and dreams.