Today’s the day we raise the roof, spark up the spotlights and flute a fanfare, for twenty plus percent of the population who’re getting a pretty rough ride.
We live in a largely liberal world where it’s considered off-limits to shame people about their weight, colour, sexual preference and pretty much anything else. But for some strange reason it’s deemed okay to denigrate and shame our wounded Narcs without a second thought.
Narcissism is a personality trait borne from a deep seated, often imperceptible, feeling of shame. When a child doesn’t feel loved or ‘enough’ they’re wounded at core level.
Essentially a Narc is a human devastated by emotional damage from their early life. Their deep seated feelings of no-thingness not-worthiness and no-point-to-me-ness are so great that their clever subconscious minds have created an alternative persona. They don’t even know they’re being inauthentic much of the time. The intricately designed ‘other version of themselves’ has been automatically created to stop the world from having any sense of their deep wounding and shame.
In short, to overcome their victimisation as children they develop another version of themselves to survive. This adaptation of their true self grows and adapts further to show the world how great, special and magical they are. (Which is how they desperately wanted to feel as kids)
So, being Narc is not an option, it’s a means of survival. So how come we see fit to point fingers and shame? Perhaps it’s because many of us have been the unwitting victim and ultimately an unwilling Narcissistic Feed. Narcs need to feel adored, heroed and highly respected as the best in their field. They demand power and privilege. Most humans value feeling significance but the difference here is clear. A Narc ‘needs’ to feel this way in order to prevent their Shame Wound, and it’s associated pain and emptiness, from surfacing. Because they’re often incapable of feeling softer emotions, they do not empathise, they cannot see or connect to the pain they cause as they get their needs met. Often leaving a trail of broken hearts, shattered dreams and devastation in their wake.
There are 8 generally acknowledged types of Narcs identified by the world of therapy. Recently the Narc-Word has gathered media momentum, adding to the array of choices on offer – I’ve recently noticed the Spiritual Narc taking centre stage!
For me the most dangerous and difficult of them all is the Humble Narc. Most Narcs are pretty easy to spot, at least if you’ve done your homework. The Humble Narc is a different kettle of fish entirely. They appear kind, gentle and ‘wouldn’t harm a fly’ type of peeps, whilst actually luring you into a nest of the greatest mind-fuck on earth. To the world at large these are meek and mild kindred spirits. Only by staying highly vigilant can you see that you’re being manipulated by their seeming kindness and care, which comes at the highest of price when it comes to your sanity and self esteem. Watch out for HN’s especially if you were Scapegoated as a child. (Known for being trouble, the naughty one or the very best at being the very worst) …… Humble Narcs will be a natural connection for you, to re-enforce the terrible things you were told about yourself.
It is also worth noting that some of the most charming, charismatic and attractive people are considered Narcs. It is easy to fall hook, line and sinker for a Narc, especially if you’re prone to Love Addiction, Co-Dependency, Abusive Partnerships etc. Elvis, Steve Jobs, Marilyn Monroe, Madonna, Coco Chanel all have been included in N-Listing over the years. It’s a highly distinguished list of names. Some, such as Russell Brand, are self confessed.
Take a look at our leaders throughout the centuries and we can see that Narcism is a pretty helpful trait when it comes to being at the top of the tree. A deep seated wound, feeling not good enough, ashamed of our no-thing-ness are cleverly disguised using big bluster, massive muster and a flair for fluster!
Whether it’s Putin, Trump, Jong or others, it’s interesting to watch how and when specifically they are nudged out of their controlling and controlled personalities and behave like tantrumic toddlers. Do you recall Trump throwing his toys firmly out of the pram when the global press reported a smaller turnout for his inauguration than for Obama’s? His response was emotional and greater than expected from the leader of the most powerful country in the world. It was a clear outpouring of his narcissistic rage.
Entertainers are well known for Narcism too, after all they’re actively seeking the spotlight and a devoted audience of fans. One of the greatest Narc TV examples was in 2009, when Kayne West eclipsed Taylor Swifts big music moment . Grabbing her mike during the acceptance speech at The MTV Video Music Awards he jumped on stage and interrupted her with this peachy pearl of wisdom “Yo, Taylor, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time!? “
We all have a Narcissistic streak, a healthy human needs some Narc tendencies in order to take care of self care, healthy self esteem and to uphold healthy boundaries.
One of my favourite books on this fascinating subject is, the Wizard of Oz And Other Narcissists. Available on Amazon or Audible. It’s a massive topic and one I write about often. Please today take a moment to consider the pain under the bonnet, the smallness beneath the giant and the terror beneath the perceived power. We all know one, many of us love one, some of us are one – surely they deserve the same respect and kindness as other people hurt by their start in life?
Narcs are people. People who are unable to feel love as they intellectualise it and often don’t realise they’ve lost the ability to connect with their heart. Humans who live in their heads and are unable to face the truth of their tiny human existence, suffer enough just by living. When we truly understand this inhumane condition, and the vast swathes of the population affected, humanity will benefit in a myriad of ways.