Sonya asks:
Hi! I have been married for over 5 years and have a loving husband and a wonderful daughter. Yesterday I was bored and just picked up my husband’s phone and saw a chat on his instagram account. In the chat he is telling an old female friend of his, that she’s so pretty and also goes on to say that , before getting married he had a huge crush on her and that he thought she was way out of his league so he never acted on his feelings. He also goes on to say that she will always be an Inseparable part of him!!! I confronted him and he says that it didn’t mean anything. What should I do? Am i over reacting?? He has not talked to that girl since and during the chat the girl didn’t seem interested in what my husband had to say and she did not continue on the topic. What does all this say about my husband??
Our Resident Real Fairy Godmother Michelle Zelli says:
What does it say about him?
Dear Sonya
I am sorry to hear you suffering from this common modern dilemma.So many women find themselves in this mind-curdling situation, where it’s hard to see the wood for the trees. The internet offers a myriad of ways to blur boundaries, contacting an old flame is one of the most potentially damaging.
Firstly, you are not over reacting. A million questions will be whizzing around your head – it’s natural when the person you love and trust is found to connect with someone from their past. I anticipate the fear factor will have also kicked in. Most people in your shoes would be feeling bemused and confused – not to mention downright bloody angry!
We’ve all heard those whispers and stories about marriages ending as a result of these thoughtless, seemingly random, approaches.You are bound to be harbouring ‘what if ‘ thoughts and wondering about your husband’s potential next step if the other woman had responded in a warm and welcoming way.
Humans are designed to move towards feelings they want more of and away from those that don’t feel good.This is a great time to have a relationship audit, to find out what’s really going on for both of you under the bonnet! Maybe it’s been a while since your last relationship audit! I’m a big believer in turning life’s BS into fertiliser, using the challenges and painful events to grow more of what you want in your life.
Sit your Husband down, take care not to attack but be open to listening to what he has to say. What was his true intention (and hopes) when he sent that message? Take this as an opportunity for both of you to take a good, hard look at your relationship. How much time and energy do the two of you invest in making the other feel secure, loved, appreciated and desired?
Date Night is a pretty standard piece of advice but it’s simple and it works. Be clear about the rules. Recently a client reported their fortnightly Date Nights weren’t working – her husband was hoping for intimacy and passion, she wanted a night away from the kids, eating Pic n Mix at the local Odeon followed by a very early night for sleep. Be sure you understand what each other wants and needs.
The pressures of life are so immense it’s easy to put our relationships and loving partners to the bottom of the effort pile. Perhaps he is really crying out for your attention and this is the alarm bell you both needed to communicate how you’re really feeling and what you need and want from the other person.
Gary Chapman has an excellent book called Five Love Languages, I highly recommend for you and your Husband to take the first step of turning this into a relationship gem. When you know how each other needs to feel appreciated it make the relationship minefield a whole lot clearer for everyone.
