The old film Seven Year Itch starring Marilyn Monroe may not be so far from the truth according to The Office for National Statistics. With a recent survey showing 19% of divorces occur within four years of marriage, 27% between five and nine years and 13% between fifteen and nineteen years. In the UK the average length of a marriage is around 7 years for women who married between the ages of 25 and 34.
Should we accept our fate or ensure we have the tools to navigate us through choppy relationship waters, deftly avoiding contributing to the Seven Year Itch statistics?
So what happens to the romance, love and lust? It is often over-shadowed by disillusionment rather than searching for an alternative partner. (More than 50 per cent of women cite unreasonable behaviour as a reason for divorce, as do 31 per cent of men).
Couples who have lost the joy in their relationship show a tendency to focus on their partners negative qualities, what they don’t do and what they don’t have. At the beginning we are blinded by love, worst qualities appearing acceptable as we don our rose tinted spectacles and see only the best of our lover. The first two years of a relationship are often bolstered by passionate and frequent sex, exploring each others many facets and benefiting from the powerful cocktail of sex-induced chemicals. When under the influence of this natural and blissful narcotic state we see things differently and not just our partner but the world at large suddenly seems to be more colourful and exciting.
If you are feeling a little jaded and the shine has gone off your relationship, don’t wait for the condition to become terminal, begin by agreeing to focus on only the good in each other for 24 hours. Each time your mind begins to criticise or judge the other person think of one of their best qualities.
Call an amnesty, agreeing to civil conversation and positive words only between you, even for a day will provide the space and platform to move forward from.
Research by John Gottman, one of the U.S.’s best-known relationship researchers, can predict with 94 per cent accuracy which couples will divorce, after watching them talk for a few minutes on a thorny issue. Couples who say five positive things to one negative are likely to survive.
By changing our focus we literally change the way we feel about and perceive our partner, homing in on only their negative words and behaviours is a sure fire recipe for relationship disaster! The destructive cycle can advance alarmingly quickly until resolution is reached. Check for patterns of your past relationships and historical bad times with your current partner. Are you both able to discuss your needs and feelings openly?
Appreciation is often under rated in relationships, taking time out to appreciate each other and voicing your admiration works wonders. After all, who wants to make an effort if it apparently goes unacknowledged? Be specific in your appreciation, “Thank you” is polite “Thank you for the way you handled that Darling, I really appreciate how calm you were” takes a little more thought but will pay back in spades. When we are appreciated for the little things we do, naturally we want to do more, it becomes a real pleasure.
You may love your partner dearly and find yourself bickering incessantly for periods where you have got into the cycle of tit-for-tat blame and criticism. Stop it! Change it! There is no good will come from it just a downward spiral that it becomes increasingly difficult to haul ourselves out of. If you are irritable with your partner and find yourself repeating the same issue more than three times, wise up, they are not listening and you would be well placed to find a new way to approach the subject to avoid becoming a nag!
Remember the reasons you were attracted to your partner in the first place, be specific and precise. It is time to take control of your mind and the direction of your focus. Taking responsibility for the state of your relationship, becoming flexible in your approach and making the first move towards a change between you will provide a feeling of empowerment where otherwise me might feel overwhelmed and powerless.
Learn the tipping point in your relationship and ensure you work together before this arrives. Do you need to have a passionate argument in order to say what you really mean? Losing your temper means it has gone too far, you are not communicating when you are able to be calm and with reason. Of course, the odd feisty exchange could be great for clearing out the emotional attic but take care never to say anything you regret – those words could linger in your partners mind for months and maybe years to come!
Withdrawing sex as a punishment is a common ploy and the passive anger delivered in the ‘silent treatment’ are common strategies between couples in trouble. Both ploys will serve only to exacerbate an unhappy situation and fail to move you forward towards a solution.
A Relationship Coach can help with this process, offering a new perspective and tools to help you understand the blocks and move forward with clarity, understanding and a return to mutual contentment. Simply by asking new questions and offering a platform from which to negotiate harmony you could be enjoying a very different relationship with the one you love.
Usually I do not post on blogs, but I would like to say that this article really forced me to do so! Thanks, really nice article.